Today I turn 41. Or as I like to say, ‘I’m getting big.’ That’s been eliciting a few weird reactions lately, but that’s ok. It’s been generating a big internal smile on my end.
I woke up at 3am today thinking about where we are in the world right now. How we’re showing up for each other, and most importantly ourselves...And, what I’ve learned so far in this one, (of many) lives. I thought to myself, what better a time to procure a hall pass and proselytize a bit about what I’ve found helpful. Take it seriously or with a grain of salt. It’s just my one experience of an observed waking life.
I remember years ago at my first 10 day Vipassana, the main voice in the course sharing Stories about suffering. And how humans are suffering. In a way, to be human, is to suffer. I didn’t get it. ‘Not all humans suffer’ I thought to myself. And as the years continued to go by and I deepened into my practice of radical observation, I realized, shit, they’re right, we are suffering. Our attachments to pleasure and aversion to pain are the two main culprits of all suffering. And while that might make sense to some, or be completely esoteric to others, I thought sharing a few learning lessons might be of benefit. Who knows, maybe even reduce a little suffering.
I am a work in progress myself. Sharing my wins and owning my struggles. I have a very deep intimate understanding of crippling anxiety from young adulthood. Something that had taken years to learn to manage and eventually love and appreciate. I know what it is to have an unrealized and ugly relationship to alcohol. I know what it feels like on a cellular level to cause devastating unintentional harm to those I’ve loved the most. To lose a parent young. To confront shame and STDs. To have that exposed and used against me. To be violated. And for all of those experiences I will forever be in gratitude for the learning lessons they’ve provided. For the expansion and growth opportunities inside them all. I am only human. As are we all. David from 15 years ago wouldn’t recognize David today. Which I appreciate. As it allows me to know we’re all capable of shifting out of what doesn’t serve us, into who we want to be. And how we want to show up in life. And that, I find beautiful.
Some observations:
Own your life. This is your one opportunity in this conscious life to be unabashedly you. Explore every curiosity with great wonder, And through the eyes of your inner child. Ask yourself, am I in the drivers seat of my life? Or am I just a passenger going through the motions? Today is a blank slate for you. We can always start fresh and make the changes that best serve who we want to be. And who we want to become.
Remove your masks. Show the world what magic lives deep inside you without concern of what anyone else thinks. It doesn’t matter. Truly. I promise. If you’re not living at 100% you, investigate that. Why is that? And who are you performing for? To please others when out of personal alignment and integrity is to ignore the foundation of being you. Plus it’s fucking exhausting trying to mold into what others expect of you. It’s a dance with no ending.
Observe your relationships to everything. And ask yourself what’s serving you and what isn’t? And make changes accordingly. What is your relationship to work? To money? To food? To health? To stress? To sleep? To alcohol? To partnership? To intimacy? To fear? To sexuality? When was the last time you asked yourself any of this. Why do I do what I do? Why do I believe what I believe? Am I causing any harm?...Am I living and loving in my truth? We get to decide what our relationships are to everything. Even if that means observing and changing our habits and old programming. It’s incredible what we can accomplish when this becomes a reality for us.
Be authentic. Say what you mean and live in alignment with that. A dear friend once shared her observation of how we take on different “shapes” to fit into the world, relationships, families, etc. And while we can exist in those shapes, we can’t actually thrive in them. Because they are not our own. Find your shape. Be that shape. Love your shape. Observe your shape. Adapt and change your shape as is best for you.
Trust your intuitions, that’s why they’re there. The heartmath institute studies the behavior of our hearts in relation to emotional regulation and stress. The heart knows, the mind thinks. When separated from uncertainty and fear, your heart will never steer you wrong. Your mind is what creates story lines and Confusion. Be still. Connect to your breath. Your truth will reveal itself when you align with what your heart already knows. Make your decisions from that deep connected space.
Be vulnerable and practice empathy. From this place you will do no wrong. To see the others pain is to understand their suffering. By dropping into your vulnerability, you will have disarmed everyone around you. Expose the parts of yourself you feel necessary to hide, and you will have no secrets. Cry more (I love crying) Love deeper. Make eye contact. Connect to your touch. Your intimacy. Your gift of just being present with someone. Disarm the world by accessing your compassion. Over time this will free you from whatever you’re holding onto.
Name your experience. When we take a moment and pause from our ego’s reaction, We have an opportunity to name our experience. When I find the world spinning a little faster than normal. Or my circumstance causing my heart to race, I pause. Take a moment. Find my truth in the situation. And then say it out loud. With an egoless voice. There’s a story about a lifelong meditator who was struggling with Alzheimer’s. At one notable conference he was speaking at, the moment he got up on stage his mind went blank. He had completely forgotten what he was there to share. After a moment of silence and pause, he began naming his current experience. That he wasn’t sure what he was doing there. That he was feeling a surge of nervousness. A bit afraid. And as he slowly owned every emotion that came through be began coming back into himself. This is a practice we can all access in our waking lives.
“Set your life on fire, seek those who fan your flames.” - Rumi
Surround yourself with people who champion your growth and your success, not those who keep you small and boxed in. You know the difference between those who are genuinely happy for you and those harboring resentment for your wins. Make room for the former. And watch how expansive your inner and outer world becomes.
“We all have two lives. The second one begins when we realize we only have one.”
Become intimate with death. Know it. Feel it. Experience the death of yourself while living your life. Understanding this will guide you to a path of a fully realized life. Understanding your mortality is the key to unlocking an impossibly beautiful freedom here on earth. When we realize that all fears and worries can be traced back to an ultimate fear of death, we can release them. Death is not your ending. It is a new beginning. And remember: “Worry is a misuse of the imagination.”
Ok that feels like a good place to pause. If you’ve made it this far, Thank you. If not, you’re not reading this, So that’s ok too. For those of you who are here still, my most important message of all:
I share all of this out of a deep love and appreciation for life, and all of you. My closest people know where they stand in my life. Because I tell them. There’s no limit to how many people you can offer a seat at the table of your life, but you can be intentional about who they are. This is our one blessed opportunity To be fully alive. And I will always be in your corner. Accessible and available to show up with you. Thank you for reading. Happy birthday to me. I love you. David.